The Status Quo

Why do some women go out of their way to accommodate the most unreasonable expectations when it’s clear how unfair it is? I once had a friend who, in the months leading up to her wedding, had little or no contact with her fiancé. It was a long distance relationship as it was and it was, for reasons I cannot understand (given the abject lack of communication), heading towards a marriage. She wasn’t vocal about it but her frustration was palpable. Everyone kept telling her to hang on just a few more months and then she’d get to be with him. And she did. I’m not in a position to comment on their marriage today but I can bet anything she’s putting in much more than her fair share to keep that happily ever after going.

I once asked her why she tolerated this. In a matter-of-fact tone which belied the egregiousness of her statement, she remarked that this was just how it was with men in general, especially so in our culture (referring to how we’re Indian women and all) and that our needs would just have to be sidelined for theirs. It wasn’t fair, she admitted when I pressed her out of both disbelief and concern for her. “But that’s just how it’s always been- Might as well just accept it and make the best of it.” She also said that she used to question this but has now learnt to accept the status quo for the sake of the smooth running of the marriage. She spoke of this acceptance as if it were a mark of the maturity she’d acquired through the difficulties of the relationship. “I have learnt the hard way that demanding equality with a man is impractical. I’ve understood the differences now and I’m really happy, especially now that we’re married and together. More than I’ve ever been”.

I don’t know about you but this attitude, coming from such an educated and otherwise intelligent young woman, scares me. Worse still, she is not alone. I have heard many young women take the same stance, passively accepting the inequalities in their relationships, because well, they’re not the only ones. Male supremacy has been so deeply institutionalized in our culture that anything other than quiet deference to your husband’s priorities is tantamount to blasphemy.

But why are we clinging on so desperately to a culture that so blatantly discriminates between the sexes? I mean, this is a culture that has, for thousands of years till today, deemed women unclean and unfit to be in the company of during something so natural and normal as menstrual periods, when there is absolutely no scientific or logical basis for such a stigma. Why are so many thinking women even today, so reluctant to change the status quo that they would rather let such hateful behaviour pass for cultural norms?